Yesterday I was watching a little bit of “Entertainment Tonight” that I had Tivo’d (specifically because it had a preview of the new Potter film), and a segment about Katy Perry’s recent marriage in India came on just before. Now, I would be lying if I didn’t say that I enjoy Katy’s music. Sure, she’s not the best singer but her music is fun and very characteristic of her (or at least the person she wants to portray to be).
In any case, her marriage was in India and the part that really got me thinking was a quote from the host that said Katy had about a 30 minute long speech confessing her love to her new beau. In it she said that she believes in reincarnation, that they had met in a prior life and that they were meant to be together.
It kind of reminded me of who I was years ago, when I was playing Wiccan. I say I was playing Wiccan because I never really took any part of it on whole-heartedly. I took on some of the ideals and impressed them on my life, but I never really became a practicioner or did anything constructive with it. I just took a template of this earthly religion and put it on myself because it seemed like the best fit for me and who and where I saw myself.
It reminded me about my former partner of 9 years who was always trying to get me to move back into Christianity. He was always accepting of the beliefs that I was holding at the time, but he was very persistant in making sure I understood why I was believing it in the first place. His problem was that he was always very antagonistic about the confrontations, which puts anyone into defensive mode.
In any case, he would ask me to describe WHY I believed in reincarnation instead of Heaven and everlasting life. And even though I had read lots of resources and taken part in many online social sites and discussions, I never really could explain why I believed it in any other way than that’s just what I believe. I knew even then that there was a big hole inside me that was not being filled.
You see, as I grew up I became afraid of the church. Surprisingly, the original reason wasn’t because I was gay but because of another reason. Just like many of us, going to school socially was a difficult time for me. middle school (junior high) was extremely difficult for me. I was teased, made fun of and mocked throughout those 3 years and it was a really difficult time in my life. And to clarify, it wasn’t because of my sexuality…I was just a small, dorky kid who was an easy target for a group-mentality picking.
So during this time in middle school, my mom also decided that we should start attending sunday morning worship at our local baptist church, I actually didn’t mind going to church, that was never the issue. The problem was that in my sunday school class was the same group of kids I was trying to escape from in school. Though some of them looked a little different, but bullies for the most part are interchangeable. So I started early on evading church because for a long time it represented alot of what I was trying to escape from, being bullied and scared to be picked on for who I was. And I had carried that fear for a long time. Thankfully,when high school came around I had been very lucky that my mom drove us to school everyday and I had the opportunity to go to a different high school than what was on the bus route for our area. I ended up going to different high school than all those folks who picked on me and I was able to start fresh, new and unknown. And that’s how I kept myself, completely under the radar and that made things so much easier for me.
Now I knew where my attractions lied from an very early age. I remember crushes as far back as middle school, but I never had any indications they were wrong. I just accepted them for what they were. I didn’t even really ever attach the word gay, or knew what it meant till about my sophomore year in high school.
Eventually my mother’s inspiration to go to church soon faded away in late middle school and because of all the ridicule i had faced there, I very happily never went back because I never wanted to have to go through that again. It was never God who scared me, it was the people within the church I wanted to escape.
Early 2009 is when I felt God pulling at me to come back to Him. I was a manager in my job and there a guy that worked for me who always carried a little Bible in his back pocket. He never talked to me about religion or anything, but everytime I saw him I saw the Bible. It caught my attention all the time. I found myself looking at it longingly sometimes and felt it really tugging at my being. I felt the Holy Spirit really calling me forth to take that step into building a relationship with Him again. This time for real, and with no worries of bullies trying to deter me away from my Lord. If I had to go it alone and study for myself I would. I was always a good student and if there’s anything I did well, it was study.
God also brought my current partner back into my life. We had met well over 10 years ago and had fell apart because of varying reasons (namely distance at the time). Like a miracle, we came across each other again and he is also a very firm believer in Jesus, God and the Bible. He has become a shining jewel in my life and in my new growing relationship with the Lord.
There has been some trials along the way, definitely know that. And it’s not between us or in my Faith or studies. It’s all came from the outside world. But the Lord tells us that there’s going to be trials and hardships along the way. It just makes us more dependent on Him and makes us stronger as people and Believers. Take it the Lord in prayer and move forward steadfastly.
The hole I had in my heart has been filled to capacity with the Lord’s love and I’m so very thankful and humble. I’ve had to make a lot of changes in my life, and I’m still dealing with some of the impurities and sins I used to have to deal with in my past. But I’m definitely growing exponentially everyday and the Lord keeps making me stronger in Him. And I’m the happiest I could ever be.